Studying

I am encountering my first bit of real studying since taking the MCAT. The process taking on an academic lifestyle has involved changing the fundamental way in which I think about studying. I remember the many days in which studying was much like a shitty high school job, I did it just to get by without anyone getting upset with me and in hope that at some point I could stop doing it. It's hard for me to now uderstand how that formulated. Is this an American attitude? Why do young kids become indoctrinated with the "school sucks" attitude? Why is learning about animals and the way the world works so much less exciting than who is fucking who on "the real world"?

Of course, no one likes staying in and missing out on other fun activities to hit the books, but material learned during education is truly useful and applicable. It amazes me that everyone makes that classic clame: "this will never be useful in my real life when I am working". How the fuck do you know what you are going to be doing? I hear this claim from seventh graders on up to medical students. Really, noone thinks having a broad knowledge base in many different areas doesn't make you more insightful, interesting, more able to hold a conversation?

Maybe the studying is getting to me. I'm basically on a 9am-11:30pm schedule of lecture, anatomy lab, clinics, and studying during the week with breaks for lunch, an hour for nap and dinner, and an hour or two of study breaks for random messing around. But I really don't feel as though my life is terrible. Normally I would be watching reruns or some shitty movie I've already scene 10 times on TNT. Which is really more exciting? Just food for thought. With all this being said, I'll be more than happy to endulge in a Friday night full of debauchery, drunkeness and absolutely no medicine. Back to hematopoiesis...

I'm still alive

Haven't posted in a few weeks...more a indictment of my laziness than of being overloaded or overstressed. The best thing about medical school is that studying isn't so painful as some of the studying in undergrad. No more physics, calc, random course that I really don't give a rat's ass about. No, using up valuable socializing time in the dissection lab or studying immunology is not my idea of fun, but the information really is interesting and I feel priviliged to be in the process of becoming a physician.

Yesterday was my first experience with the brachial plexus. I must say the hype is a bit much. I don't feel too intimidated by any of the structures we've gone over yet. Then I read the manual for tomorrow's lab... How many fucking muscles can there be in the forearm and hand? Talk about gross anatomy. hahahahaha, get it?

Other than studies, I've spent a bit of time at free lunches and dinners which are abundant in medical school. There was a posh dinner complete with filet mignon and free drinks last week, not too shabby. We've also been on boat cruises and an assortment of activities to get us to get drunk and bond, which I have been more than happy to do.

First week of real class

I am finishing up my first week tomorrow. Though the week hasn't been overly difficult or intimidating, my first dissection looms tomorrow. We were able to view our cadaver briefly a couple of days ago. The sight of the hands and the tattoos on our cadaver made me feel uneasy. I think the first cut will be difficult. Once entering the cavity, I think it easier to think of the dissection as simply a tool. Of course, I am not speaking from experience yet.

The coursework has been great thus far. After years of taking classes, I feel as though I am finally taking the courses I want at the level I want them. Get back to me in a month or so when I am barely treading water and wanting the tidal wave of info to stop. Some of the more interesting factoids I have learned thus far include the fact that Prostate Specific Antigen testing and Digital Rectal examines aren't as good for finding cancer as I had believed. Also, the immune system is crazy. I guess if I'm worried about any courses it's immunology and anatomy.

Otherwise, things are going well. Still adjusting to the med student life. It is a little bit odd coming back after a couple of years. I don't feel like as much of an individual right now, more a cow being hearded in different directions. The options of things to do are endless, now I just need to find the time and motivation for them. Too bad I am so shitty at setting priorities sometimes. That's all I feel like writing right now, though there is much more on my mind. My next post may be political, just a warning.

The night before

Orientation starts tomorrow. Pre orientation has allowed befriending and partying, but I'm not feeling overly prepared for tomorrow. Drinking and socializing constantly seems a strange starting point for a career traditionally regarded as stressful and isolating. Maybe the experts are wrong...It is surreal that my life as a medical student is beginning. I suppose it will still be quite a while before I feel as though I am actually becoming a physician.

I don't have anything else, mostly just wanting to mark the occasion for myself. To the general public: watch out for the new short coats in the next few days, we don't know anything.

Welcome to the jungle

Ok, so I really haven't started anything, so this is a premature post. The real jungle doesn't start for a couple of weeks. My new classmates and I have spent most of our time being lost in the city and finding places to drink. Not exactly the intense studying I've been warned of. Returning to the dorms has been awesome so far. I'm happy with my room and realize how much I have missed having no commute time. Boston seems to be a great city. In the limited time I have spent here, the local culture has been intoxicating. The sharp accents and compulsory use of the word fuck is quite charming. Today myself and some classmates were pulled over while doing community service because they thought we were soliciting the locals. The locals ooze character. Now if I could stop spending so much money on food and booze...

Everything will change

I often entertain ideas that human beings were not meant to live in the modern world we have created. This is certainly not an original notion, but it is a particularly intimate feeling for me as I pack for medical school.

Humanity has thrived due in large part to circumstances of group dynamics and family structure. Evolution has taught every living species to value group survival over all else. We are innately social beings meant to attach great meaning to our relationships. Our tv, movies, books, stories, and fabels are packed with stories of heroes sacrificing self for the greater good. I have little doubt that these thoughts of heroism encircle the thoughts of many premeds. After all, many doctors are portrayed as selfless heroes in media and motion picture.

Why then, do I feel like I the path to medical education has led to putting myself above all else in many situations? I haven't lived anywhere near any family members for over six years. My infrequent visits are often marked by the inability to relate to those so close. To many family members, I am the smart kid who they don't really know and seems a bit aloof. I am unable to discuss my job or exactly why I am doing what I am doing. I scoff at family members when they refer to how many years it will be before I get to do what I want to do. They don't seem to understand that education is what I want to do.

Now, as I finally achieve goals a lifetime in the making, I don't see many around me to celebrate with. I will not have a close friend within 300 miles. All personal relationships have ended and I feel alone. I know that I will soon be living and learning among amazing people whom will become commrades. But what of those amazing people who are now in the past? The past 6 years have been a circuit of becoming immeasurably close to people, only to lose them when it came time to chase the goals. Is this the plan? Should this be normal? Or am I caught up in archaic emotions which have become unnecessary for survival of the fittest? Does being able to disband myself from loved ones make me strong, or vapid? I am so emotionally tired.

I don't question what I want to do. I know that medicine is the career that will fulfill me. I question the methods of achieving it. I question American morals. I question myself.

Kafka often related the contridictory life of an artist in his writings. In his efforts to describe and capture the nature of humanity and his attachment to it, Kafka found himself alienated from that which he held so dear. It seems physicians often undergo the same cycle. We fight and claw to achieve the position which we believe will allow us to most closely connect whith those around us. In this process, I think many lose touch and become separated from the common man and from those around us. That being said, Kafka understood more than I ever will and contributed more than most ever will. It is this hope that I cling to, the hope of making a contribution.

Home

I am making my last stand. My last stand just happens to be letting my parents stuff me with food. I collapse into the same rut every time I come home. There's nothing I want to do at home and my parents aquire some sort of anxiety about not doing something every second that I am here. Something usually ends up being eating. I am helpless to resist. So I will be taking an extra ten pounds to school with me...just the impression I want to make on classmates and faculty.

I am certainly one of those people who loves family from afar. I miss them and wish I could play a bigger role in the lives of my family, but when I am actually around them I become frustrated. My convictions and ways of thinking are foreign to my family. I find myself going into a mental coma when I am around my family for too long. This is of no fault to them, I am just so different. I find myself chewing fucking ice or sleeping a lot. My family will always have a divergent effect from anything else in my life.

The coming reality of med school still seems far away. I am at the edge of the cliff, but I can't see it. I'm not worried, stressed or even excited. I've just accepted it as a reality that hasn't come to pass. Maybe this will change when I get on campus. I'm looking forward to meeting new people, but that isn't what I am doing med school for. Maybe I am just in a circle of denial that all of the effort and worry in getting here is over. Maybe I'm just a fucking douche. I just don't feel as though my life is about to change, even though I know it is. I've never been one for epiphanies, though. I need some inspiration, somehow I think the people who I will soon be around will provide plenty.