Everything will change

I often entertain ideas that human beings were not meant to live in the modern world we have created. This is certainly not an original notion, but it is a particularly intimate feeling for me as I pack for medical school.

Humanity has thrived due in large part to circumstances of group dynamics and family structure. Evolution has taught every living species to value group survival over all else. We are innately social beings meant to attach great meaning to our relationships. Our tv, movies, books, stories, and fabels are packed with stories of heroes sacrificing self for the greater good. I have little doubt that these thoughts of heroism encircle the thoughts of many premeds. After all, many doctors are portrayed as selfless heroes in media and motion picture.

Why then, do I feel like I the path to medical education has led to putting myself above all else in many situations? I haven't lived anywhere near any family members for over six years. My infrequent visits are often marked by the inability to relate to those so close. To many family members, I am the smart kid who they don't really know and seems a bit aloof. I am unable to discuss my job or exactly why I am doing what I am doing. I scoff at family members when they refer to how many years it will be before I get to do what I want to do. They don't seem to understand that education is what I want to do.

Now, as I finally achieve goals a lifetime in the making, I don't see many around me to celebrate with. I will not have a close friend within 300 miles. All personal relationships have ended and I feel alone. I know that I will soon be living and learning among amazing people whom will become commrades. But what of those amazing people who are now in the past? The past 6 years have been a circuit of becoming immeasurably close to people, only to lose them when it came time to chase the goals. Is this the plan? Should this be normal? Or am I caught up in archaic emotions which have become unnecessary for survival of the fittest? Does being able to disband myself from loved ones make me strong, or vapid? I am so emotionally tired.

I don't question what I want to do. I know that medicine is the career that will fulfill me. I question the methods of achieving it. I question American morals. I question myself.

Kafka often related the contridictory life of an artist in his writings. In his efforts to describe and capture the nature of humanity and his attachment to it, Kafka found himself alienated from that which he held so dear. It seems physicians often undergo the same cycle. We fight and claw to achieve the position which we believe will allow us to most closely connect whith those around us. In this process, I think many lose touch and become separated from the common man and from those around us. That being said, Kafka understood more than I ever will and contributed more than most ever will. It is this hope that I cling to, the hope of making a contribution.