Autopsy

My nights have been getting later and later. I don't think this is because of overwhelming work load or stress. I'm not sure what's going on. I do find myself dwelling on things I need to do or want to do. Tonight I'm thinking about how early I have to get up to go to autopsy review. My program is one of the few in the country that still incorporates autopsy participation in the first year curriculum. We are able to do so thanks in some part to the small size of the program. Great, one may think, hours with dead bodies.

I found my first autopsy a couple of days ago to be a bit of a transforming experience. I have been in anatomy lab for a couple of months now, but this was different. A technician roughly dragged the body onto the table and began preparing. This wasn't a corpse to me. It was a person last night. A person with hope and aspirations for the future. The technician swiftly cut open the chest cavity and began loosening the upper respiratory tract from its bindings. The normal, mondane activities of this man's everyday working life was entrancing. The sites were surreal. Much in the same way I couldn't believe a live bull was chasing me through the streets of Pamplona a few months ago, I couldn't quite comprehend what I was watching. The feeling lasted around 15 minutes before the medicine and education engulfed me again. The moment summed up a lot of my more ruminant feelings about medicine. We are practitioners of the most humane profession in humankind, but must often suspend bits of our own humanity. We want nothing more than to connect at the deepest levels with patients, but our own experiences and points of view often compromise any ability to relate. Yet the overwhelming feeling I recall now in watching was that of utter empathy. That empathy is what has driven many of us to this point. We can and must do tings outside of the norm. We must tell families things that will break their hearts, and our own in the process. We must because it must be done, because these things are necessary to directly help individuals and future generations.